Science Is Complicated

The head of NASA predicted that we’ll have a permanent manned presence on the moon within 10 years.

They’d do it now, but they’re having a hard time finding enough slide rules and punch cards.

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Not in Our “Favorite Person” Top Ten

Former President Obama bashed conservative politics as “hatred for somebody on the other side of the border“.

Yes. Specifically, the guy who invented the socialist Canadian health care system you tried to cram down our throats.

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Much Like a Chihuahua, Cannot Be Killed by a Prius

Spotted in North Carolina – a giant species of squirrel that stands 2 feet tall.

Also, a good metaphor for any CNN story that studiously avoids mentioning President Trump’s booming economy in favor of something dumb he posted on Twitter.

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Oddly, Still Unindicted

Police in the UK are now using an artificial intelligence system to stop crimes before they happen.

In the US, we use real intelligence. Worked pretty well in 2016.

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Ask the White Sox About Having Obama for a Fan

Six years ago, President Obama promised to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency. Now General Motors has announced that it would cease production of the hybrid vehicle.

Yeah Obama really has… whatever the opposite of the Midas Touch is. Augean Stable Finger, maybe?

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Problems to Be Solved

Former Vice-President Al Gore will host a 24-hour broadcast special on climate change next month featuring an array of celebrities and musical performances by artists that include Moby and the Goo Goo Dolls.

Still uncertain: where they’ll park all the private jets, and whether he’ll spend the whole time in his coal-burning jet chair.

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Why Didn’t He Post It on Facebook?

After Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg failed to show up at a government hearing, one lawmaker tweeted an image of his empty chair.

Most common response: “Why are you tweeting a picture of Obama?”

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Also, White Flags

There was rioting in Paris as police fired tear gas and used water cannons to disperse protesters who are angry over burdensome new taxes on gas and oil.

So violent… you’d think they were taxing striped shirts and arrogance.

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Leading Cause of Death

In New Zealand, 145 pilot whales were found dead on the beach after a mass stranding.

Unbelievable! They ALL had dirt on Hillary Clinton?

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You Become What You Think About

Recent Google patent applications indicate that the company is developing smart-home products that are capable of eavesdropping on us throughout our home in order to learn more about us and better target us with advertising.

Hope the algorithm is up to snuff, or angry liberals are going to see nothing but ads for Trump merchandise.

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Shotgun. Rocking Chair. Porch. Some Assembly Required

In a startling demographic shift, old people will soon outnumber children for the first time in history.

Poor kids. They won’t have a single blade of grass to stand on.

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Careful What You Wish for

A new report based on a secret trove of seized Iranian nuclear documents shows that Iran had concrete plans to manufacture and build at least five nuclear weapons.

Seems like such a waste of time. I’m sure President Trump could be persuaded to deliver at least 5 nuclear weapons right to their doorstep.

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Not Reading the Papers

In a new paper published in the journal Science on Thursday, researchers suggest that the best way to protect genetic information might be for all Americans to deposit their data in a universal, nationwide DNA database.

Adjacent headline: “US Postal Service Exposes Data of 60 Million Users for Over a Year”

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Humanity’s One Weakness

A professor at Oxford claims that advances in technology will eventually cause the death of civilization and the destruction of humanity.

Only if robots discover socialism.

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He’s in My Deadpool Every Year. I Can’t Be Wrong Forever

A new report shows that a person’s consciousness persists after death.

Cool! So when I dance on Jimmy Carter’s grave, he’ll be able to see it?

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